Many, many years ago, this website was started to exchange movie opinions among a group of friends. We’d recommending hidden gems, and warn against rotten apples. Today, it’s time to do that once again, because I Am Number Four is such a terrible abomination that I feel compelled to warn you about it. Don’t go see it. Save the money and go do something fun instead. I wish I had.

Normally, I’d try to do a full review, explaining the movie’s plot, giving you details about acting performances, the works. But in this case, it’s all utter crap. Well, except for the cinematography perhaps. The movie looks okay. So do some of the effects. The irritating teenage brats playing the lead parts are all photographed very well. Teen hormones will likely be stirred.

I Am Number Four tells the story of a bunch of alien kids on Earth that are being hunted down by other aliens for no apparent reason. There may be more details in the book this movie was based on, but without them, the whole thing doesn’t make any sense. Why, for instance, would the guardian sent with each kid fight using a knife, when the evil “Mogadorians” (really, they’re called that) have plasma guns? And since when is escaping lethal enemies suddenly not important any more when there’s a pretty girl in town?

Halfway through the movie, my friend and I were making jokes about the ridiculous romantic plot, the costumes, the flashlight hands (worst superpower ever) and the overwhelming number of sci-fi cliches. We had contemplated leaving the theatre, but it seemed like there would be more action in the second half. I Am Number Four was produced by Michael Bay after all, so more stuff was bound to be blown up. And indeed there was. But it didn’t help.

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