My Science Project (1985)

The joke was to imply that the teens had misbehaved, and like that old punishment of staying after school of writing repeatedly of what one’s school sin was, “We must not destroy the world” read the repeated cursive tagline for 1985’s My Science Project. I remembered the film just barely, but I did recall one of my own high school teachers commenting about that form of school punishment. It went something like this: the punishment has a downside. When students are forced to write repeated sentences with perfect penmanship on a chalkboard, after awhile, on a psychological level, they don’t like to write and/or will take shortcuts to writing. I don’t know if there is any scientific proof in the theory. I do know that when I first saw My Science Project back in ’the mid 80’s, I didn’t care for it all that much. This past week, I was compelled to see it, just for curiosity’s sake. While it wasn’t as bad as I originally thought, it did appear that writer-director Jonathan R. Betuel spent too much time in front of a chalkboard.

I don’t think he was a lousy writer; after all, he did co-write one the best underrated 80’s films, ‘The Last Starfighter’.

As far as “Project” goes, it isn’t that the effects were dated even for the mid 80’s time. It was that aside from one character – nerdish Ellie, played by Danielle von Zerneck with a lot of energetic, intellectual spunk. The film itself is all over the map. A UFO from 1957 is seen at the film’s beginning; it is never seen or heard from again. Supposedly part of that saucer was left behind and put in an underground bunker, to be found by Ellie and her new machine shop boyfriend Micheal (John Stockwell) in the mid 80’s. What they find is part of the UFO’s engine, which they discover disrupts the space-time continuum. Aided by their annoying and unfunny classmate Vince Latello (Fisher Stevens), they want to show off the find to their science teacher Bob Roberts (Dennis Hopper). Hopper was cast for one purpose it seems: to make references to the late 60’s and early 70’s regarding the free love culture. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say Hopper ad-libbed most of his lines. There’s even an Easy Rider nod, just one more thing to bring the viewer out of the film. But whenever Von Zerneck graces the screen, her charm makes the film bearable. Sure, “Sawyer” may be one of those brainy kids that gets looked down by the popular spoiled kids, but at least she has some class. The character is so amusing that, on reflection, I think the real movie was missed. It should have been about her and not Michael’s hunt for a ‘science project’. Why did Michael go out with her? To get back at a girl who dumped him. Why did Ellie ask Michael out? So she could avoid being nominated an unflattering nickname in school. See, when it comes to these two characters together, the film zings with a humorous pace. Break them up, the film dies slowly.

Then comes the last twenty minutes of this film, where the device becomes more active, and everything from cavemen to Cleopatra to dinosaurs to roman gladiators show up. Everything, of course, but a UFO and little green men. Lots of smog, flashing lights and mayhem all on the school campus. It is so repetitive it becomes anti-climactic. Now I know why I didn’t like the film back in the 80’s. It was a mess. The Police Detective was thrown in there and could have been removed without much trouble, for he was an extra character (despite the noble attempt by character actor Richard Masur) that didn’t do much. There was an attempt to make Micheal’s father to be drunk and eccentric, getting a quick Reno style wedding to saleslady Dolores, and that didn’t quite work. Then there’s annoying cliched geek Sherman (Raphael Sbarge)…and did I mention that crass wannabe hipster Latello?
The film itself never found the right footing. It is like those days in our youth when we wore the right shoe on the left foot and the left shoe on the right, just to know what it would feel like, regardless of how dumb it looks. But I’m not mad that I viewed it again. Besides LaBamba, I haven’t seen much of Danielle von Zerneck onscreen, but she did put a smile on my face.. I decided to lift any bad memories off “My Science Project” and herby proclaim it as landing very near the ‘so bad it’s cheesy good’ section of honor. There’s also a classic moment where some high school pranksters put on Star Wars stormtrooper helmets and vandalize Mike’s hot car, so it can’t be ALL bad, now, can it? The film had lots of potential, it may have even have been, storywise, ahead of its time.

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My Science Project
Directed by: Jonathan R. Betuel
Starring: John Stockwell, Danielle von Zerneck, Dennis Hopper, and Fisher Stevens.

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