Make no mistake, Roland Emmerich does fill a void for movie going audiences. Emmerich tends to make the kind of movies, for the most part, that would make Irwin Allen proud. 2012 follows like formulas of Emmerich’s Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow where several diverse yet cliched characters are fatefully interconnected over sections of plot threads regarding some sort of disaster on a big scale. Audiences don’t seem to mind the melodramatic popcorn films, and overall, they are entertaining while speaking on elements of the human condition. While not as outstandingly bad as Godzilla from almost a decade ago, 2012 comes really close as one of Emmerich’s poorer efforts. I’m not expecting anything really profound, but I am hoping for a good time. Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here.

The film itself gets off to a wonderful start, setting up the early stages of the End Of The World, under the observing eye of Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor) who is named Science Advisor to the President (Danny Glover). Helmsley has to quickly convince Carl Anheuser, the President’s Chief of Staff (Oliver Platt) of his findings. Once the data is confirmed, plans are set into motion to help save humanity, animals of the earth and varied cultural treasures. The only catch is, the world-wide public is kept in the dark about the threat of doom and gloom with the exception of world leaders and the extreme rich upper class, also from varied parts of the globe. During the course of the film, Helmsley will question such things, and even a crazy, burned out ham radio operator (Woody Harrelson) brings the cover up into focus.

Oh, silly me. That’s NOT what the film is really about at all. Sure, it starts out that way, but see, we got a problem. This is supposed to be a disaster film. Emmerich reminds the viewer of that, introducing us to failed sci-fi author turned limo driver Jackson Curtis (John Cusack) his ex-wife (Amanda Peet) and his kids. The ex-wife’s live in snooty surgeon boyfriend too. Another batch of characters surrounding a crude Russian businessman (Zlatko Burić) will be so interconnected to the Curtis party it is almost offensive to the storytelling. I don’t mind it that Curtis is the limo driver for the businessman. I do mind if the businessman’s cliched mistress knows the surgeon. I do mind that the mistress and her pet dog are the indirect cause of the third act mayhem. I do mind that Curtis is an expert driver (eat your heart out, Frank Martin) and I really do mind if someone says they are an inexperienced pilot, yet they fly a plane during a mess and not so much as scratch paint not once… but twice.

The FX are indeed impressive. However, there are some characters whose only purpose is to *have* the special FX included in the scene. Story-wise, there are two separate characters who have reasonable answers to a problem. The joke is that some objects were not really that important after all, and the actions of characters near the end of the film that caused more problems could have been avoided. These plot points are put up simply to show more visual FX and more attempts at cliffhanger material, nothing more. What gets frustrating is that the FX are constantly in a state of flux. Several gags go on too long or are simply repeated.

Over and over.
And Over again.
One character, after being the sole survivor of a disaster wakes up and is promptly killed by some leftovers from Emmerich’s previous picture. The point of the scene is to show another visual joke -which also renders the character’s last words in vain.

I’m not quite sure why characters are dumbed down, or why some dialog was on the nose, (“Nothing will separate us”-while the ground cracks open behind him) and why the most interesting and involving character, Helmsley -remember him?- is humbled to the background, and only comes forward when his projections were off by months, days and hours. See- the film’s mayhem takes place in the summer of 2012 not in the end of the 2012 year, as the Mayan calendar warned. This entire disaster picture is based around that, right? Why get that wrong?

One other thing. All the goats, giraffes and elephants are fine. But I sure as hell wanted that dog to die. A thousand people can fall off a cliff, buildings crash down on hapless citizens. The mutt has more importance. Just for that, characters died. Yes, I’m serious.

At two hours and forty some minutes which seemed like six hours and ten, so did my watch.

**************

2012
Starring: John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Thandie Newton, Oliver Platt, Chiwetel Ejiofor and Danny Glover

Directed by: Roland Emmerich