Before the fine year of 2008 draws to a close, it is time for me to do that sad, near traumatic task of composing my annual Lemon List- the worst films of 2008. It should be said that I include, in my list, films that have been released in North America/the U.S.A and not overseas. These are pictures I have seen at one point or another during the past year. Some I have reviewed here on CoP, others…well, my time was robbed enough.

There were some pictures such as The Love Guru and Speed Racer that I gave up on by the 30 minute mark; but I did not include them because I want to be fair. I haven’t seen those films from start to finish. I confess that I have not witnessed Meet The Spartans but I know those who have, and wise men and women informed me to not go there. However, some of those same people also helped convince me to see another film, so I still question their sanity, or even mine, for that matter. We’ll start right there.

10] Wanted
Okay, I know a boatload of people who *loved* this movie. Why they loved it, I haven’t a clue. All I know is that I found it disappointing, and had one too many leaps in logic and plot. Say for example, a name comes on the fabric weave, and that name is John Smith. The tapestries never give out occupations or locations. But aside from that, there is also a scene where a character is, in fact, the indirect cause of the deaths of at least a few hundred people on a train. If he didn’t get on the train, another character would not be shooting back, and another would not crash a car through said train. This then makes the concept sound as to why the protagonist is now ‘Wanted’. The film never brings that tidbit up. It also has characters going into Matrix bullet time and having the skill to shoot a target through varied obstacles and objects several hundred yards away. Whatever.

9] Fool’s Gold
Slow, lots of chit-chat, lots of exposition, Matthew McConaughey is a down on his luck treasure hunter, trying to scheme, is caught in his scheme, brings his soon to be ex-wife (Kate Hudson) in on the treasure hunt, and still being one step ahead of bumbling cardboard villians. Australia works well for a stand in for the Bahamas, it’s possible tourism might increase for either locale. Palm trees and blue waters are the best things in the film. The added shame is that Andy Tennant directed the mess. I invoke the titles Ever After and Sweet Home Alabama, two of his previous pictures, against this droll.

8] Hell Ride
Larry Bishop’s formula: bikers, breasts and butchery. That could be a recommendation for some, a big giant red flag to others. Saved from a higher (lower) ranking only by Dennis Hopper. Worst moment: Leonor Varela’s scene where getting information costs you something, a price she reminds you verbally for at least two entire minutes. Here’s a hint: that quoted price rhymes with duck.

7] 88 Minutes

Sitting on a shelf for almost two years-long enough for Jon Avent and star Al Pacino to make another picture for 2008- this little hokey “anti-thriller” never really takes off. While it isn’t predictable, it isn’t anything to get the viewer on the edge of the seat either. Much is made of the paranoia point of view of the suddenly stalked Dr. Jack Gramm (Pacino) who is hounded by some unknown person connected to a serial killer he helped put behind bars and is slated for lethal injection. The problem with the sudden paranoia is that there is no reason for it. Gramm would know “the suspects” around him to some degree, as he would know about them for some time. Then there’s the gag itself: he’s got 88 minutes to live. Thus the bad guys try to kill him before the 88 minutes are up. (Note: there’s even a scene where the bad guys actually get what they wanted in the first place and still proceed in the ‘88 Minutes’ notion.) The reveal on who is doing it, and how, boggles the mind. How that person got from point A to Z is never explained or seen. How they knew the significance of 88 Minutes for Gramm is not also questionable, the plausible meaning itself is.

6] Jumper
Hey, let’s have this power of teleportation. Let’s rob banks, eat on the top of the Sphinx, leave speeding cars so they could crash into other cars, and the organized group that wants to put a stop to our new power? Well, *they* are the bad guys and just don’t understand. I do. I understand it’s a shameless, shaky camera shot, where are they now kind of film that wears out its welcome.

5] Prom Night
Rule of thumb: if one remakes a cult horror film from the ’80’s, nobody expects to re-invent the wheel. Nobody expects a lame remake in name only- because then it’s not a remake, is it? It is a whore, cashing in on a name. It’s a filthy whore at that, not giving a good scare, good suspense or even blood. It’s a shameless, filthy whore- one victim at a time with the same result and repeating a lousy mirror gag twice.

4] 10,000 BC
The worst special effects film hands down. Unless we counted Camilla Belle’s makeup.

3]Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Okay, I get it. George Lucas wanted to pay respects to shows like Thunderbirds and wanted the animation to reflect that. Characters unrealistic, exaggerated faces then look like wooden puppets. It’s a bold move. That doesn’t mean it looks great. Yes, it seems that Lucas, upon inventing the new character Ahsoka Tano, wanted her to have 21st century tween-speak, giving dumb annoying nicknames to other characters, and in this film, which was a prelude to the Cartoon Network series, at various times it appears she is even a better jedi than Anakin. The character is such an irritation the big question is to me why didn’t Anakin become Darth Vader that much sooner? The introduction of Ahsoka Tano also retcons Revenge Of The Sith as the new padawan refers Skywalker as “Master” (before “SkyGuy”, anyway). That’s odd- I could have sworn one major plot turn of Episode III was the denial of promoting Anakin to Master. The dumb battle droids are dumber yet, and aside from a climb up a ravine, all the battle scenes are messy, repetitive and chaotic. The signs of Armageddon are among us when Jabba The Hutt refers to his slug baby boy as ‘muffin’ (granted, it’s better than Tano’s nicknaming him ‘Stinky’) but then we meet his cousin, who supposedly is modeled after Truman Capote. That’s fine, I guess- if the Hutt spoke Huttese and not English. Then, when this thing was all done, I realized it retconned Return Of The Jedi as well. It turns out this film was rushed to theatres on a near whim of Lucas, which explains the jerky animation, the lack of hype and promotion. Not to worry; I’m sure the Tano dolls sold well, or at least the Obi-Wan marionettes.

2] Punisher: Warzone
I have heard the argument to and fro; the film, the third based on the Marvel Comics short fuse vigilante, is over the top and camp-high with the best of intentions. Some folks forget the road to hell was made with good intentions. Heartless and empty, the film-which has no movie connection to the previous film from 2004- isn’t a good action film. It’s not a decent revenge picture. It’s decked out in neon and drenched in blood. It makes one interesting character study for one minute or two -the conflict of friendly fire (sort of)- and then it’s back to the droll, the dull and lack of any redeeming social value whatsoever.

1] Semi-Pro
For every Talladega Nights or Stranger Than Fiction there’s a film with Wil Farrell on it that gets tiresome in raunch, or should I say, misfires at attempting to be raunchy? Farrell’s Jackie Moon was funny in the beer ads, which took only a few minutes of our time. 93 minutes? That’s another story. Perhaps it would have been more clever if…if…Will Farrell wasn’t the lead? Look, there’s only so many variations he can do on the loud, obnoxious, into himself, and out of shape athlete. The pictures where he gets away with it are those that have something for the supporting actors to do- like Talladega Nights.

Coming close but shall escape wrath: One Missed Call, Shutter and First Sunday.

What are your worst of 2008? Did I miss anything-am I better off missing them?