It seems the longer Nicolas Cage’s hair is, the more ridiculous the movie. The longest I remember it was in Con Air, and as much fun as that film was, its story was among the most unlikely I’ve come across. But Bangkok Dangerous might just be the runner up. And it’s nowhere near as enjoyable.

This movie is a remake of a 1999 Thai film of the same title. Cage plays Joe, an assassin who visits Bangkok for the last big job of his career. But instead of making extra sure this series of hits doesn’t go wrong, he seems almost intent on screwing up. Although he explains to us in the voiceover that he lives by four simple rules, he spends the rest of the movie breaking them. And in his case to does ndeed make Bangkok dangerous. For him.

At this point, Bangkok Dangerous might seem like a comedy, but it isn’t. The story is a cross between Grosse Point Blank and Wanted, but instead of being equally tongue in cheek, this movie takes itself way too seriously. Inbetween the outbursts of violence, Joe finds time to ponder like only Cage can. You know the look. Ugh.

The action scenes are about as silly as it gets. Since when does it makes sense to shoot through (several) water bottles instead of waiting for a clean shot. Sure, the splashes look cool, but really? And you probably know that scene in one of the Naked Gun films where two people engaged in a gunfight turn out to be very close to eachother? That one’s actually in this movie. Really.