Unlike many other people, I am not going to jump on the bandwagon and tell you how historically inaccurate this film is. My reasons are simply this : 1) marco evolution is still a theory, 2) this film is pure popcorn fantasy anyway and should not be taken too seriously and 3) it’s directed by Roland Emmerich, a talented filmmaker who usually sells himself short and is more likely to have a good vision and a ton of overused ideas that tend to sabotage whatever story there is. There is no mistaking that Emmerich is good with a huge cast, and will usually bring out dramatic, yet sometimes cliched themes, and most of the time he can make them work. Because of that, his films tend to be surprising successes. Since the two leads in BC are of good looking stock (especially Camilla Belle), the cheese factor should be on high dosage. So what went wrong here?

Well, what should one expect from a film helmed by Emmerich, Patriot aside? Well, many had mixed reactions to Independence Day, but the effects were fine and the charm of Will Smith and the Bill Pullman smirk helped that film. In The Day After Tommorow there were plot holes galore and one unneeded sequence for otherwise decent FX. But then there’s Godzilla which was not only overproduced, it was boasting about its britches. Maybe Emmerich tries too hard sometimes. What the worst thing about 10,000 BC is that Emmerich doesn’t even try at all. In fact, he recycles parts of his own StarGate (you’ll know where). The only real reason to come back to a plot device from a previous film is to improve on it. Emmerich doesn’t. Or like in Godzilla, where here, like in that drek, he does another obvious steal of the Jurassic Park films (you can guess where) and maybe some loose inspiration from his Patriot star Mel Gibson’s Apocoylpto. Maybe some things can’t be helped. I don’t mind this mishmash of plot devices. I don’t mind how silly somethings might appear. It’s a Emmerich film, I know what to expect. I’m ready to roll and go with the flow.

Which *is* the main problem with 10,000 BC. I spent a huge chunk of time waiting for something to happen. The oversized man-eating Ostriches had some promise, but they are used for no real purpose, they can be removed out of the story without much problem. They way they are used is nothing compared to the sabertooth tiger -I’ll get to that beast in a second- but if the bad birds are so close to an encampment, they could attempt to pick off a few people in the night. The birds don’t have to succeed, mind you, but in an open space, an event like that begs to be done. In the opening FX sequence, the promise of this film shows the hunting of a mammoth. It’s impressive. There is nothing else in the film like it, and when we see the mammoths again it is not as exciting as the first time. Speaking of which, the creatures in this film are hardly in the film. Remember the Sabertooth tiger. It is introduced, it comes back a few minutes later and implies that it has a new “friend”, protecting him. Does this mean this bold beast will tag along with our heroes? Heck, no. When the dumb tiger leaves, the dumb tiger leaves, never to be seen or heard from again.

I also have further hatred for a narration which has to explain everything -even the scenes that are completely understood without it.

But now comes the cardinal sin, the biggest two errors in this film. If we are robbed of creature features, if we are robbed of some bad dude in the need of a serious manicure, then, by God, go for broke, and get the dreadlocks beefcake (Steven Strait) and the dreadlocks bosoms (Camille Belle) to get a bit more sweaty with a bit more skin. More blood, too. Exploitation needs to be done!! But I have little mercy for exploitation pictures that aren’t even good exploitation pictures.

No mercy here. None. Zippo.

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10,000 BC
Starring: Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, Cliff Curtis and Omar Sharif (narrator)
Directed by: Roland Emmerich