After watching the sci-fi action drama Jumper I was aghast on how a nifty concept and open door for a franchise could be this…bad. While we have seen this power of teleportation in other films and shows, such as X2 and TV’s Hiro on Heroes, here was a decent chance to take this concept and make a entertaining movie. That entertainment comes at the expense of a coherent story, and the sacrifice of any interesting, let alone believable characters.

Since the errors in the continuity of the film are too many to mention, I have come to a conclusion: After giving it some thought, I telported myself to another time and place, imagining what the pitch was for this film. I mean, a popcorn check your brain at the door movie is one thing, but a direct insult to the intellegence and a test of one’s patience is too hard to bear:

“Hey, I got this great idea. Teleportation of body, element and cars. They can go anywhere in the world, just by thinking about that place! The can rob banks, make quick getaways, and live like Wall Street wizards!The only thing is, see, the ‘Jumpers’ cannot go through electricity.”

“Well, how can they get into banks and go through walls, then? There’s electric wires, sockets, security systems…”

“That’s not important! What is important is that Jumpers can eat alone on top of the Sphinx in Egypt and walk along the edge of Big Ben in London! The secret teleport power-It’s so freakin’ awesome!”

“Well- won’t someone notice some dude is having a meal alone on top of the Sphinx or notice he’s on a building’s edge?”

“That’s not important!”

“You say they rob banks and travel the globe in self indulgence. Do they do anything meaningful?”

“Like rescue people caught in the middle of a flood or other natural disaster?”

“Yeah, use a power for good”

“Well, no. But the hero, who robs banks and lives out on his self indulgence misses his girlfriend, and he has to rescue her after putting her life in danger at least twice!”

“Hmmm. How did that relationship start?”

“Oh, well, he liked her in high school and he gave her a little gift. A bully takes the gift and tosses it on thin ice. The hero goes to get the gift and falls in. He uses his new power to get out of the water. He lands in another location, all wet but alive and with the gift”

“Wow. That’s great. No hypothemia?”

“Uh, no. That’s not important. He shows up later to his drunk father who, being the jerk, demands to know where he’s been…”

“I would too, if the kid almost drowned and nobody found him!”

“No, nobody told the father about it”

“Isn’t that odd?”

“Look, YOU ASKED. This is a popcorn flick, you aren’t supposed to be asking realistic, unimortant questions like that”

“I’m just sayin’ the dad may be a drunk abusive jerk, but it’s still his kid. By the way, where’s the mother?”

“Oh, she left him on the kid’s fifth birthday. Left her son with him”

“She left her son with an abusive drunken sleazeball?”

“No, she just left.”

“So her son uses his power to find her?”

“No, I said…he robs banks and indulges”

“Isn’t that a bit strange?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about”

“You’re right. How’s the sci-fi action?”

“It’s outstanding! Lots of gadgets and gizmos that come at the audience so fast we don’t have time to explain them! Because of the Jumpers, and the bad guys that hunt them- The Paladins-”

“Bad guys? I thought Jumpers rob banks and freeload”

“AND kill when they are being threatened”

“But the Jumpers are the good guys?”

“We’ll just say shades of grey”

“Alright”

“Anyway, the action is fast and quick, so lots of shaky camera movements in the action scenes…”

“So you never know where you are?”

“That’s the idea! But it gets better! We got Hayden Christensen and Samuel L Jackson in the cast! Mace Windu gets a shot of payback!”

“But this isn’t Star Wars. They are playing different characters”

“Bah. How many films has Sam been in with Travolta or Willis?”

“Good point. Well, I’m curious…aside from electricity, are there any limitations to a jumper’s power?”

“Well, I haven’t seen them walk the moon yet, if that’s what you mean. But although the film never says, they need to recharge apparently”

“What makes you say that?”

“Well, if a person can teleport place to place, why else would they still fly on an airplane?”

“Nobody pays attention to little things like that. You sold me”

*********

Jumper
Directed by: Doug Liman
Starring: Hayden Christensen, Samuel L Jackson, Rachel Bilson, Jamie Bell and Micheal Rooker.