Everybody seems to have an opinion on who the next James Bond should be. Gossip keeps surfacing: it’ll be Clive Owen, no wait, it’ll be Hugh Jackman, no wait, it’ll be Colin Farrell.

Here’s a thought: in this brave new millennium, isn’t it about time for James Bond to be sporting two X-chromosomes instead of the usual XY? I can think of a number of actresses who would fit the bill. Sarah Michelle Gellar comes to mind (though she’d need a good dialect coach, obviously and possibly a brown or red dye-job), Keira Knightley is another one. Other names that have been suggested to me were Rachel Weisz (who would definitely make my shortlist), Halle Berry, Kate Beckinsale and Eva Longoria (again with the dialect coach for her). Further more Angelina Jolie has proven she can take on action roles, and indeed a British accent. When you think about it, Lara Croft is basically a goody-two-shoes female Bond with some archaeology thrown in for good measure.

The idea of a female James (Jaime?) Bond is not such a bad one. If the actress in question were hot enough, men would still watch. Plus women would feel more connected to a female hero and may watch the film voluntarily, instead of being dragged along by their boyfriend because they made him see Titanic several years ago and are still paying of that relationship-debt. The actual changes would have to be minor: Jaime should still shag anybody she fancies (as indeed James does), she should still drink like a sailor (as indeed James does), and she should still be deadly (as indeed James is). This neatly takes care of some double standard stereotyping that Hollywood must get rid of anyway. So really, what’s the big objection? Think about it guys: all the great things a James Bond movie has to offer and as an added bonus: Bond has breasts! Having said the breast thing let me make one thing absolutely clear: Pamela Anderson should never, ever, EVER, be considered for this part.

And now that I (may) have gotten your minds going: in a world where metrosexuals are the new style-icons and David Beckham gets away with wearing diamond studs in his ears and painting his toenails, why not take it one notch further. How about a male but bisexual James Bond? That would certainly open up the whole “Bond-girl” issue in new and interesting ways! Harvey Fierstein could direct. James could kiss some girls but also some guys. Plus his outfits would be better than that boring old tuxedo he’s always wearing. James Bond could be a perfect example of a man’s man who just happens to enjoy giving head as much as he enjoys nuzzling a Bond-babe’s breast implants. And think of the possibilities this opens up for good one-liners. If only the studio execs would see the light, as I have done!

Unfortunately Hollywood will not be taking the PC-road for a long while. By the time Bond will be cast in the form of a woman or a gay/bisexual man, my eyes will be too affected by old-age cataract to actually go and see that movie. If ever.

Who in the current day pool of actors should get the part then? In my opinion it should not be Jackman, who is a talented, sexy actor but does not have the right “feel” somehow. Clive Owen is a possibility but also a very safe choice and too boring to spice up the Bond role. And lets face it people, Bond is in dire need of some spicing! On the other hand Colin Farrell would probably provide a lot more spice than the producers are bargaining for, so he’s not a viable option (although I’d love to see him do it). Angelina Jolie’s co-stars in both of the Lara Croft movies, Daniel Craig (who reportedly has been asked to play Bond) and Gerard Butler (who was the subject of an unsubstantiated James Bond-rumour a few years ago) have proven that they can play Bond-like characters and both have just the right “bad boy”-quality to make it work. But I for one am hoping it won’t be either of them. Purely for selfish reasons: both actors currently work in a blend of bigger and smaller movies, and I fear that the James Bond thing may take their careers in a different (far less interesting) direction, thus losing them for the smaller movies in which they have done some of their best work. Dougray Scot then? He’s sort of the dark horse in the race. He played Tom Cruise’s adversary in MI2, appears capable enough to handle the Bond-thing, plus he’s handsome, quite sexy and not so well known that his portrayal of Bond would be tainted by his previous work.

My personal choice however, would be American singer/writer/performer Henry Rollins, tattoos and all. Although he’s not even in the race (for obvious reasons), his would be a brainy, anarchistic, angry, intense, humorous Bond I’d go see again and again.