Perhaps the bad rainstorm on the “Fantastic Four” movie premiere should have been taken as an omen. It’s not like Fox and Marvel had been given fair warning, however. For a long time, the big budget FF film had gone through writers and directors, in an attempt to get the FF in a ‘sitcom’ mode. It simply didn’t work. What area would Tim Story take it? It seemed that despite the wonderful “Barbershop” there was that God awful “Taxi”, there was still some hope. Despite an okay job, bottom line: don’t get your hopes up.

I thought this could be pulled off. For at least half the finished film, it was. Sure, there were a few irritating moments where I felt that watching an emergency landing might have been needed, but I let that slide. I liked that after Reed Richards, the Storm siblings and Ben Grimm came back to rest up on Earth, they start discovering thier ‘gifts’. Some of it humorous, some of it a good showcase of effects and things to come. And that is the main strength and accomplishment: one of the main hurdles of the FF development was the effects department. The Human Torch flying around is the best of the bunch, followed by Sue’s invisible force field, and a scene where Reed wraps himself around Ben to restrain him.

Then there’s a short lived but otherwise outstanding duke’em out between Thing and Doctor Doom. Crashing into a hotel pool, causing a flood, riding the rapids, so to speak, and crashing through a window and then throwing cars and bolts of lightning…all neat stuff. Then, when the FF stop Doom, we expect a plot thread or two to pay off, find out Doom’s real plans for NYC and or the rest of the world…well, no. We don’t get that. In fact, there is not much regarding to whatever Doom had planned. He just wants to get rid of the Fantastic Four. That’s it. Okay. Was it jealousy? Doom’s broken heart over Sue? According to this film, they are an item and she’s his secretary when we start. Well, I want to believe that. You want to accept it too. It isn’t so. Bottom line, Doom is just… there. He isn’t really that threatening, and that’s too bad, because there is a buildup to his scheme, “more power”.

But Julian McMahon is fine with his character’s body changing into metal, it gets good when he kills a board member and attacks a doctor. The anticipation! Well, I’ll give Doom credit; he at least tries to play the team against one another. It works, with the filmmakers doing a lift from “Superman II” and I don’t mean a street battle. You’ll know it when you see it. I’ll let that slide- feels like an homage. But then, well, once the actor gets behind the mask, it is awkward. He’s not as menacing anymore. The voice now sounds over the top. Again, by the time the third act kicks in, there is no motivation, no plans for evil. There is no threat. Consider if Doom took out the city’s power…

Oh well, enough on the weakest link in the film, other than uncredited writer Simon Kinberg, and let’s move on to the miscast Jessica Alba. The only reason the actress is here is she has something of a name value, right? Wrong! She is here to remind us that she’s got good cleavage. Question: if one could become invisible, would they be embrassed that no one can see them? Question #2, can anyone see a shadow? Alba is nice to look at, but during the entire film I just felt she’s way too young for the part. I did not, however, feel this way when I saw the film’s first trailers. There’s another problem with Alba. I don’t think Jessica was terrible, but my first reaction from the film was that she was there for the sake of her cleavage. Granted, Sue Storm has had “interesting” costume changes over the years in the comics, but something isn’t right when she’s “seeing” Doom and when she is on the space station, when she hands out the suits, is she also attempting to seduce Reed with a ‘good view’?

But anyway, was she playing Sue as an older woman with youthful looks? Since it isn’t mentioned, the question of Sue Storm’s age in the film can trip people up. Let’s go with the thought that Sue is the exact age of the actress playing her, which is 23.

Listening to the dialog, we know:

*Sue has been seeing Von Doom for about a year and a half, working with Doom for two. Her character is also implied as being slightly shallow, by her own charater’s admission (only with Doom for the money-she really doesn’t love him- she loves Reed)

*The relationship with Reed was five years prior to the events in the film. They were also living together during this time. It was Reed who could not commit.

So if Sue Storm is 23, this means that she was with Doom for at least one year as a romantic intrest (22) and since Reed did not know she worked for Doom, we will shave off one year (estimated) that she was not with Doom romantically or with Reed (21). Now, factoring in the five years, she’s 17. Now, factor in the comics. Reed is 23 when he first met Sue who was 12. So if Sue is 17 when she starts to see Reed, then Reed is 28. Add five years to Reed. 33. Ioan is 32. Now, if Sue just started working for Doom about the same time she was seeing him, then these ages, in connection to story, character and casting, would seem to be accurate. I think an audience would need to be clear on this, because when the characters of Reed and Sue have the expostion of the past relationship, then what is revealed some people may be uncomfortable with.

On to Chris Evans. Good, rising actor. I thought he was excellent in “Cellular”. I liked him as Torch. The only mild irritation is early on, where John Storm does some extreme stunts/skiing. That….song. That awful irritating thingamajig invading my eardrums. It’s getting on my bad side as a filmgoer when I hear tunes like that. I hate that song. I am now boycotting the Music Inspired By soundtrack if there is one. Why can’t they play a song by a band whose lead singer does not sound like he has a bad cold? That does not sound like other bands whose lead singers sound like they suffer from certain allergies?

I want you to know: I hated that song.

Still, Evans did a good job. And I did, aside from that awful tune, love the skiiing sequence. Micheal Chiklis is a standout. The subplot (ur, the only plot, really) is a heart on the sleeve, and I personally felt that the Thing moments played better on issues of fear and predjuidice than both X-Men films ever did. But boy, those X films were suspeseful, exciting. They had plots and subplots. They had a story. They had characters you wouldn’t mind giving two hours to. The FF however, until the previously mentioned Doom-Thing tussle, doesn’t have any wows, any real excitement, and only a miild curiousity. Now I’m not gonna sit here and say ‘oh, they should have gotten this director or that actor…things would be alright..’ that sort of thing. Hindsight is 20/20. I’m willing to give directors, writers and writing talent a chance. But gosh, what a letdown. What a jip.

But let’s shift gears a bit, and see what the biggest problem is. It is the writing of the Fan4′s leader, Mr. Fantastic. See, we can like Evan’s Torch, who makes things happen. We like Chiklis’ Thing, who puts action into motion. But since Reed is supposed to be ‘the leader’, why is it that things happen to him, that he’s talked down to, doubted, insulted, captured and turned into a frozen popsicle, only to be saved by other members? Reed is just too passive here, he couldn’t lead a duck to water.

I bet the best stuff in the film lays on the editing room floor. Some things are taken out for pacing, but what good is pacing if you don’t know what the story is all about? 2005 is turning out to be hints of the old urban legend of the Marvel curse…may it never make a comeback.

Fantastic Four (2005)
Directed by: Tim Story
Starring: Ioan Gruffud, Chris Evans, Jessica Alba, Micheal Chiklis and Julian McMahon.

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