Seeing the skills of talented writer Michael Crichton and Superman and Lethal Weapon director Richard Donner combined should provide the ingredients of an interesting and fascinating adventure movie. At least, that was my first thought when I heard about Timeline. The story itself may sound a bit ridiculous, but if you set that aside and just go with the flow, it could have been quite a nice ride. Alas, Timeline is an absolute insult to the viewer’s intelligence.

I don’t even know why I started this review in the first place. Although you should make up your mind for yourself, I suggest you skip this axiom when it comes to picking your taste and just avoid seeing Timeline. (Unless you want to have some fun and enjoy torture seeing a really, really bad movie in the light of Wild Wild West and Mission to Mars.)

During an excavation in France at Castlegard that was the arena for a final battle between the French and British army, a group of archaeologists find a wormhole between now and the past. When the professor (and father of one of the main characters, played by Paul Walker) gets lost in time 650 years ago, the others decide to try and find him using a machine they have developed which allows them to travel back in time: a machine that was initially designed to fax three-dimensional objects from one place to another. Believe it or not: the professor gets warped, starting in New Mexico and ending up at that very same place in France where he was digging ‘ but then six and a half centuries earlier. And to make things even more coincidental: at the exact day the final battle between British and French troops is taking place…

If you are still with me and not offended by the plot you may find Timeline to be quite amusing. May find, because the way the story is told is total rubbish. The plotholes are as large as the 650-year wormhole depicted in the movie. Literally every clich’ imaginable is present. People who are unlikely to fall in love because it’s too obvious, eventually fall in love. The costumes and sets are atrocious. The acting performances ‘ even by veterans like Billy Connolly ‘ are awful. Paul Walker could have been replaced by a wooden doll and nobody would have noticed. The French originally appear to have difficulty speaking English, but are able to make grammatically perfect phrases after just half-an-hour. And when they do speak French, all they say can easily be found in a first year high school French class.

Is it all that bad? Am I just writing this to be negative? Yes, it IS that bad. In fact: it is so bad you SHOULD see it. Really! Total waste of celluloid though.

Directed by: Richard Donner
Starring: Paul Walker, Frances O’Connor, Billy Connolly, Gerard Butler

Official Website

‘Timeline’ runs 116 minutes, is already showing in the US and UK and opens March 25 in the Netherlands.
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